This is me.

  Depression seems to be a touchy subject. Not everyone enjoys talking about their problems. Not many people know this, but I suffer from depression. I've heard it all.. "You're such a happy person, you can't have depression!" or "No, it's just your hormones." But I always knew it was something different. Something more overwhelming. This post is going to be very straight forward. I am not afraid to talk about my life or to share with others.

  I have a really good life. A loving family, supportive friends, everything any teenager wants, I am truly blessed. Growing up I was always an extremely happy girl! I didn't even know what a frown was. I had fantastic grades and attendance, I always did things with friends, I enjoyed working, I ran every day, and I didn't mind homework. Life was too good! You could give me any negative situation and I would find something positive about it.

  Half way through my Sophomore year of High school I could feel things change. My brother moved out and started to make choices that I didn't understand. At first I was devastated and I tried to do everything I could to get him to make different choices and to start being the brother I loved and got along with. Sadly, that wasn't going to happen. After a while we stopped talking. That was extremely difficult for me because he was my closest friend so I began to stop trusting people. If my closest friend and big brother shut me out then everyone else would too, right? That was just me handling the situation poorly.
 
 Things just began to escalate from then on. I fought with my siblings all the time, going to school was a drag, homework was terrible, I came close to failing classes every quarter, I hated my job and I stopped running. My life was slowly shutting down. I just thought that I was "growing up and moving on" from all these silly High School things, when in reality, I was being consumed by my depression. I began to quit everything. Student Government, my job, relationships with friends and family, and I refused to write my brother on his mission because I felt like he would judge the things I was doing. Things were bad.

   I finished out my Sophomore year with poor grades and terrible attendance, but I finished! My depression seemed to be getting worse though. I found myself thinking very dark thoughts and not caring about very much. Throughout the summer I tried to fill my life with all kinds of things to keep me busy because my thoughts were starting to scare me. I didn't tell ANYONE about the thoughts and feelings I had because I was worried they would think I was just trying to get attention, so I just kept to myself.

   All kinds of issues and trials began to pop up. I began to feel jealousy and hate towards different people for no reason! My brother's sister (it's a long story) is one good example. I felt like she had the perfect life and she was lucky to grow up with my brother, something I have always wanted so desperately. I began to grow strong feelings of jealously towards her, which was not fair or appropriate. That contributed to my unhappiness, and that wasn't something that I liked.

   Junior year started and like every new beginning, I hoped for change. I believed that I would be different but that's not exactly something that you can just make happen. Things started out okay, but then the thoughts that so deeply scared me began to return. I fell back into my old ways, I no longer felt like a person, I was now a robot. I had no emotions, no compassion, nothing. I was completely numb.

   I let it get the best of me. There were days where I would pray and ask God what I have done to deserve this and I would beg for him to take it away. That's when I really started struggling with church because I felt like Heavenly Father didn't listen to me and he didn't care if I was suffering. Around that time is when I was at my peak of my depression and I couldn't take anymore.

I always heard the sad stories of people who committed suicide and I NEVER imagined I would have those feelings. Sadly, I began to think of ways that I could end my misery and I really began to scare myself. I am not one to regret things because I believe we can learn from everything, but I truly regret the thoughts and attitudes I had during that time.

My mom started to question my attitude and then insisted that I go and see a doctor.

I AM TRULY BLESSED!

My advice to everyone is to never let things get the best of you. If you have poor relationships with people, fix them! If you are unhappy with things you are doing, then do something different! It might not fix your life right away, but if you aren't willing to try then you'll never know. Another thing is that Suicide is NEVER the answer. No matter how unhappy you are, don't do it. Things will eventually get better! You just need to be patient and willing to experience life.

  Even being on anti-depressants, life is still a challenge. I still battle to find joy in things but it's a battle that I decided I'm willing to fight. I still struggle everyday with going to school and coming up with excuses of why I missed. I still dread going out with friends or communicating with people. My mood changes on the drop of a dime. This is my life though. I wouldn't want things any different because it makes me who I am.

My Other Half

My bestest friend is pretty much the coolest person ever! She showing me all these cool things. There are so many things she shows me, and then I want to do it too (like a copy-cat)  There's Pinterest, Smash Journals, Taking Pictures and tons of other things. I just love her! She seriously makes me so happy! I adore everything about her! Her style, her face, how she totally understands what I'm thinking when NO ONE else does, Just everything!!(: I am soooooooo lucky to have her as my best friend<3

An Epic Adventure with my Best Friend(:

 I adore my best friend! She is wonderful! I love how she always knows what I'm talking about when I make no sense to other people. On Monday, Haley and I went with my parents and brother to see the new Sherlock Holmes Movie. It was an EPIC adventure! We got to check out of school at 1:45 so we could go catch Trax. That was my first time ever riding Trax, and it was sooo fun(: We talked the entire trip down to the Gateway and we even got off at the wrong stop so we had to call my dad to help us(: We met up with my dad around 3:00 to pick up our tickets for the movie, but then my dad had to go back to work for a while so we were on our own! It was soooo much fun(: We went to some stores and looked around, and then we decided to go to Barnes and Noble to read some books and get Hot Chocolate. Us being the crazy girls we are, decided to read a book called "A Smart Girls Guide To Boys" to each other, and oh my goodness! That was the funniest thing EVER! We met back up with my parents around 6:30 and saw the movie, it was fantastic!(: Monday was pretty much the best day ever with my best friend!!(:

"You Just Gotta Keep Your Head Up!"

I find it interesting how little things can make your day so much better! I have these wonderful friends who took their time to write me notes to tell me they love me! It just made my day!! Haley wrote me a "Best Friend" note (for obvious reasons), Paige wrote me a heart felt note telling me how I'm a good person and Lexi wrote me a note on my Math folder telling me that I'm the Sun to her Shine! Just because those three amazing girls wrote me little notes, I had such an amazing day! Have I every mentioned how much I love my friends?? Because I do! SOOOOO Much(:

Haley

Paige

Lexi

Morgan

Matt

The Whole Cross Country Team

Carlin

Bailey

Megan

Courtnee

Kilee

Jordan

Ethan

I pretty much love every person I know/talk to!

Who are you thankful for??(:

Thanksgiving

Goodness! This month has gone by so fast! It is almost over already. Thanksgiving was yesterday, so that makes today blackfriday. I think people are crazy for going out today because everything is going to be so busy! I just stayed home and watched movies with my siblings(: I leave for my Footlocker race in 6 days! It is sooo soon! We leave on Thursday at 6:00am. I'm pretty excited! Well, I'll keep ya posted on what's coming up!

See ya, Bloggers!

Crazy day!

Have you ever had a conversation with somebody, and it ends up different than you thought it would? Well that just happened! I was talking to my dad about dropping my seminary class at school, so I can take another class online, and the conversation ended up with my dad asking if I was interested in Study Abroad! I am freaking out! Study Abroad is where you go to a different country and live with another family, and go to school there. I have wanted to do that for soo long, but it is really expensive so I always thought my parents would say no. My dad had a really good idea, He said we should find someone who has family in Paris that I can go stay with either during the summer, or during the school year. Wow.. My head feels like it is spinning right now!(:

Fantastic Idea

I decided that I'm going to use my blog to vent(:

I always come up with these "fantastic ideas" that I think will fix things, when really, they usually end up hurting me. For instance, Josh. I always wonder how he is doing and whats going on in his life. He is a Basketball player and this week was try outs. I haven't talked to him in a few weeks, (for certain reasons) but for some odd reason I felt like being a "good person" and texting him to see how he did. The conversation started out fine, he didn't make the team, but he wasn't upset about it. We talked for a minute and then I told him that I miss talking to him and that we should try being friends again. Want to know what he said about that?? "I'm going to have to think about that for a while and get back to you." That made me so upset! After everything he did and said to me, he has to think about being friends? Gosh.. I just don't understand. I guess I kind of figured texting him tonight would end badly, but I still went for it. I am so dumb! I think I was expecting him to apologize for hurting me so much, and for being so heartless towards me. Now I know that in the future I should expect for the worst when it comes to him.

Well, I'm off to bed! Goodnight, fellow bloggers!(: